nicolas cage stages mutiny in the academy: here are this year's nominees.

This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill. Breaking news from Vanity Fair, Entertainment Tonight, and the comments section of a Screen Junkies YouTube video have just reported that Nicolas Cage, star of Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance has staged an elaborate coup on live TV at the 90th Annual Academy Awards.

Now the Oscars is known for being the most prestigious Hollywood event of the year, and for all intents and purposes, the night was going off without a hitch.

The Dobby Theater, named after a certain house elf's brave sacrifice, was decked out to the nines for a night of people being seated, people clapping, women wearing dresses that "stand out", and men wearing suits that "blend in". Even the host Jimmy Kimmel was making his usual tirade about Matt Damon when out of nowhere, Cage rushed onto the stage in a leather jacket and chain, and cold cocked our fourth favorite Jimmy in the face. The Con Air star proceeded to snatch the mic, declare that he would be awarding tonight's winners from a throne of knives as a life size Oscar fed him grapes, spray cheese, and the spirit of a recently deceased dolphin. When Leonardo DiCaprio tried to intervene, pleading Cage to "stop this madness," Cage proceeded to grab him by the waist, pants him, and pull him uncomfortably close, whispering in DiCaprio's ear a sentence so shocking, the actor simply pulled up his slacks and returned to his seat in silence.

Before Dobby security could respond, a ring of Cage followers surrounded the entire theater, letting no one in or out, but offering refreshments of quaaludes in Coke Zero cans to celebrities, and placebo Aspirins and whatever lint the followers could find in their pockets to the lesser known special effects teams and makeup artists. And after an undeniable safety hazard of a fireworks display, Nicolas had already done a quick change, in which his outfit was split between the dapper yellow suit Jim Carrey wore in The Mask, and the other half the green Versace dress Jennifer Lopez wore during Fashion Week. With no one else allowed on stage, lest they be executed by electric eels, the audience was forced to watch Cage do banter with himself, as he teased the Academy for not having enough minority and female nominations, while at the same time, refusing to nominate minority and female filmmakers. The irony was lost on him, but no one pointed it out for fear of retaliation.

Cage also declared the Academy Awards would be introducing brand new superlatives, including "Best Drunk" and "Most Surprised". And after somehow harnessing the power to resurrect the ghost of Richard Pryor to close the event off with a hilarious bang, most of the attendees had been turned around by the mutiny completely, so enamored by the now clear existence of the afterlife, no one even realized Cage had nominated himself in every category. So without further ado, here's the complete list of winners for the 90th Academy Awards. Oh, and his Sir Hollywood Majesty, as Cage had also knighted himself on stage with the walking cane of a British man he robbed on Sunset Boulevard, has requested, nay, demanded, that "Sandstorm" by Darude be played while reading the winners. So open Spotify before continuing. His Majesty is watching.

BEST PICTURE

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Con Air

National Treasure

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Face/Off

Gone In 60 Seconds

The Wicker Man -- WINNER

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry

Nicolas Cage, Lord of War

Nicolas Cage, Moonstruck -- WINNER

Nicolas Cage, Snake Eyes

Nicolas Cage, Red Rock West

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Nicolas Cage, Snowden

Nicolas Cage, Mom and Dad -- WINNER

Nicolas Cage, Grindhouse

Nicolas Cage, Dog Eat Dog

Nicolas Cage, Wild At Heart

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Nicolas Cage, Rage

Nicolas Cage, Vampire's Kiss

Nicolas Cage, USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage

Nicolas Cage, Next -- WINNER

Nicolas Cage, Inconceivable

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Nicolas Cage, The Frozen Ground

Nicolas Cage, Dying of the Light

Nicolas Cage, Kick-Ass -- WINNER

Nicolas Cage, Pay the Ghost

Nicolas Cage, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

The Ant Bully

G-Force

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse -- WINNER

The Croods

Astro Boy

CINEMATOGRAPHY

The Boy in Blue

It Could Happen to You

Season of the Witch

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance -- WINNER

Bangkok Dangerous

COSTUME DESIGN

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

211

Running with the Devil

Kick-Ass -- WINNER

Lord of War

DIRECTING

Sonny

Sonny -- WINNER

Sonny

FEATURE DOCUMENTARY

The Death of "Superman Lives": What Happened?

The Death of "Superman Lives": What Happened? -- WINNER

The Death of "Superman Lives": What Happened?

FILM EDITING

Superman

Superman II

Superman III

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Superman Lives -- WINNER

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

Con Air -- WINNER

Peggy Sue Got Married

Rumble Fish

Christmas Carol: The Movie

World Trade Center

MUSIC -- ORIGINAL SONG

Waterfalls, TLC, "Nicolas Cage's Real Life"

Waterfalls, TLC, "Nicolas Cage's Real Life" -- WINNER

Waterfalls, TLC, "Nicolas Cage's Real Life"

PRODUCTION DESIGN

The Trust

Seeking Justice

Captain Corelli's Mandolin -- WINNER

Vengeance: A Love Story

Looking Glass

VISUAL EFFECTS

Superman Lives

Ghost Rider -- WINNER

Face/Off

Windtalkers

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

The Wicker Man -- WINNER

A Century of Cinema

Guarding Tess

Deadfall

Amos & Andrew

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Fast Times at Ridgemont High