blumhouse productions sued for $6M in damages after film’s jump scares cause permanent hearing loss.

Known for stretching two sentence horror stories from Reddit to feature length horror films, Blumhouse Productions has found new ways to make its dirt cheap production model even cheaper in today's high budget industry.

However, despite the money making machine that is the horror genre, the company has come under heavy fire after its overuse of its most popular trope, their newest film Halloween reportedly containing jump scares so loud and so obnoxious that it's caused permanent hearing loss amongst theatrical audiences.

Somewhere between a door slamming shut and a thousand souls breathing, the sound effect chosen in the newest Halloween installment was cranked up to 11, with devastating, ear splitting consequences. Patrons of the local cinema described the experience as absolutely horrifying, and not in the usual, good way, as audiences were deafened by the loud and sudden blast that played each time Michael Meyers sprung out from the shadows. "It was painful enough that we were just watching a rehashed version of the first Halloween," said one moviegoer. "But then we were subjected to actual physical pain, covering up our ears every time someone hopped into frame or a spooky figure skateboarded across the hallway."

Unfortunately, covering of the ears didn't take, as people across the nation suffered extreme hearing damage by the end of opening night. In response to the incident, Jason Blum had this to say --

"We apologize deeply for the damage we've caused across the country. However, our first priority is to entertain and make as much money as humanly possible, so we have decided to replace every jump scare in the film with an audio clip of Jamie Lee Curtis screaming "boo" in hopes that it will be a symbolic replacement and personal cue for audiences to know exactly when they should have felt afraid and let out a shriek of performative fear if they so choose." The production company has also announced that their upcoming films will be shifting away from the loud booms of the 2010s and instead bring back the classic 70s horror drone, a move that certainly won't make butts jump, but at the very least clench for a considerable amount of time. "With the new version of our amazing film", said the Blumhouse founder, "I can happily encourage everyone to grab a ticket for Halloween and get scared hypothetically without the fear of hearing loss or being genuinely entertained. Again, we lend our sincerest sympathies to those affected and thank them for allowing us to create an even less creative and cost effective method to scare audiences for the next 10 years."

The CEO's apology and promises of a new creative direction were not enough however, as thousands with irreversible hearing damage gathered to file a class action lawsuit against the company. In attempts to make amends to the public, Blumhouse Productions quickly settled in court, paying out a whopping $6M to the victims. Insiders report that Jason Blum and shareholders considered this a more than fair settlement, considering how quick and easy it would be to "release two hours of a blonde teenage girl running from a demon possessed nun and make that amount back tenfold."

With these new changes underway and that six million dollar payout already being sent to victims, Blumhouse Productions is taking the necessary steps to restore their brand and make amends with those they tried to spook in a very dark room. Although the horror genre is still going strong, it looks like studios will think twice before putting an OHHBLONGABLONG CREEEEEE in one of their horror flicks again.